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Something i posted on accordingtohoyt.com

Was engaged in some light blogging over at accordingtohoyt.com and posted this little guy.  Since this is suppose to be a repository of me telling stories, figured i’d toss it up here too.
“Hell, just be friendly and nice to some of the more socially inept ones and that should do the trick.

Here is an example of one such instance of this very tactic. (Trigger warning: long winded, whimsical, largely irrelevant)

One fair day i received a phone call from an extremely sad woman telling me the woes of having lost all her business information on her home computer. And when i say all, I mean all. The year was 1998. That’s right. No smart phones, no tablets, and laptops were still something only IT nerds had.

She had been directed to me by Frank, her neighbor across the street, and my DM. She tells me she doesn’t have a lot of spare cash, but she is willing to work out an exchange of favors (nothing dirty, drag em outta the gutter folks) if i help her. I being in essence a knight out of the digital age had no choice but to gather my ESD and tiny screwdrivers and ride forth to rescue fair damsel from the evils of data loss.

When I arrive I began to gently interrogate the haggard lady of the particulars of this disaster. She spun a tale of how the computer had shut down unexpectedly and then after words would power on only to the dreaded “Non-system disk or disk error, Replace and strike any key when ready” error.

This in itself was not the main issue however. It seems the jester she had entrusted the repair of this computer had poked around inside the bios and fiddled with some settings. At which point I may have stated that one does not “fiddle” with the bios, however she assured me that this is in fact what said jester had done. He had fiddled.

Unsurprisingly his fiddling had been unsuccessful. At this point a smarter man would have admitted defeat and walked away. Well to be honest, a smarter man would have ejected the floppy disk from the floppy disk drive and then sat back and gloated as the owner had shown open amazement for the smarter mans supposed computer prowess as the computer returned to a working state.

But, alas, this man was not a smarter man, but instead a damnable fool. His solution was to mash the power button repeatedly 20 or 30 times in frustration at the infernal machines uncooperative nature. This particular event had two immediate effects. The first was to bring forth the owners anger in the form of shrieking like a deranged mad woman at the jester and shooing him away from the keyboard, and indeed, from her entire house.

The second effect was a little more insidious. It had reset the bios completely to factory default. Now to explain, factory default is a mythical set of settings that assumes that if everything in the universe was to align perfectly, then these settings would work. However as this particular event never occurs they are about as useful for computers as a bucket of boiling water is.

The upside is that as a knight of the just blossoming digital age I was conversant in the ways of the BIOS, and I understood the secret of battling the dreaded non system disk error. And after issuing a few words of gentle encouragement I managed to get the lady fair to let me set about the task of restoring her computer to its proper working conditions.

After a mere matter of several tense moments of changing settings in the Labyrinth of the BIOS world, and making sure to eject the offending disk from the floppy drive I then powered on the machine.

It was during the inevitable lengthy boot up that i finally managed to ask the lady fair what it was she did as business. She then informed me that she was in fact the only officially licensed piercer artist in Oklahoma. This meant she was the only person allowed to pierce a person in any place other than the earlobe.

During explaining to me that she had in fact just performed her first piercing ever of a male’s unmentionables she stopped and issued what I learned later was the first squee of joy I had ever heard. After disentangling myself from her exuberant congratulatory hug I realized the source of her joy was in fact that the computer had chugged its way into a windows desktop.

Upon further verification it was confirmed she had in fact lost the data she was working on at the time. However all else was present and accounted for. At this point I begin to speak to the merits of digital tape backups (as was and still is my wont for small business owners who need to make sure data stays safe). She then proposed how she could fulfill what she felt was an obligation to me for saving her from her dire situation.

She offered to give unto me, any body piercing that I may so desire in exchange for services rendered. To be fair I may have considered it, however her very graphic description of her previous encounter earlier in the day with the afore mentioned gentlemen’s bits had turned me off from any such idea.

In the end I said to her that as the work itself was only a mere few minutes of work to me that her happiness was enough for myself and that I should be bidding her farewell as I was late in taking my dwarven fighter and leading a group of surface dwellers through the terrors of the underdark at the house across the street.

So with a fond farewell, a final congratulatory hug, and promises of tasty treats to be delivered to next week’s game session I took my leave.

I never took her up on the offer of a free body piercing as I came to the conclusion that I was not meant to be perforated. However, the batch of brownies she delivered the following week were, IMHO, the epitome of all that is amazing, gooey, and righteous in the realm of chocolaty goodness.

-Fin-

P.S. Thanks for making it this far. Was gonna write a short simply reply, but somehow… something took me over and said… go flowery ”

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Baen Writing Contest

Holy Crap,

I know I’ve been Wanting to get into writing, and getting published is definitely my plan, but timing.  Wow.  This is so quick after my return to the joys and frustrations of getting stories into prose.

I’m excited as hell at tossing my hat in the ring for this one.  I have no illusions as to my chances.  The folks I’ve been following and occasionally chatting with on other blogs are a serious group of people with some strong talent. John C. Wright in particular makes me shiver a little bit in fear.

But hell, running isn’t gonna make this work.

If wordsmiths like John want to come out then that means I will just have to work that much harder.

So be it.

I can tell a hell of a story.  It’s not modesty that has kept me from pushing writing, it has always been that “I need to just wait until things settle.” or “Hey I can attack this as soon as I finish building this world.”   But the truth is those have always just been excuses.  It’s hard for me to bear scrutiny.  To be critically reviewed. Not because I can fail. I can take failure, that’s easy.   Learn and move on.  It’s how you grow.

I’m just worried of nothing.  Here’s my story folks.  Here’s me swinging and seeing if I can do this. Then I get a form letter back, or even worse nothing.  No criticism to help me improve, no growth, just stagnation.  When I ask how am I doing and all I get is “Meh”, That’s what I fear.  Nothing.

But, as my old man said go big or go home, and even if nothing comes of this contest then I’m going to keep swinging.  I will hit that damn ball, and I will make first base.

-Chris

Who the hell am I

So this first post is very simple.  I am going to outline the questions i hope to answer.

1. Who am I?

2. What is the blog for?

3. when am i gonna post to it.

4. Why am i blogging?

I would add how, but i can’t really think of a good how (how will it type on my keyboard, or how will i stare at the screen in thought…)

 

1. Who i am is Chris.  that is a very short name to describe who I a really am.  If i describe my self as a pedestrian in a scene then i would be the fat middle aged white guy in the corner.

If I go deeper and promote myself to Buddy, sidekick, or love interest who loses to main love interest then i would either be the Smart, Dry Sarcastic Buddy who offers words of encouragement(usually by calling someone a dumbass) when it’s needed and a swift kick when it’s needed more.

Or the Smart good friend who has always listened to your tales of relationship woes, passed good advice, and taking care of your emotional needs at every turn, but gets passed over because he just isn’t as hot as Channing Tatum.

However If i was a sidekick, I would be Jayne from firefly… cause the interwebs said so.

2. This bog is simply because I want to see if I have the chops to make writing a career.  I know the odds, I am not blindly walking in thinking that a magic bullet book will pour from my brain, through my fingers, and into the hearts of the pre-teen community (which the really stupid amounts of money seem to be, just ask Meyers, Rowling’, and Collins, if you can find them behind their gigantic piles of money.). Partly because i think i’m going to try and write more towards were i like to read, which is a bit of an older market than that, and partly because twilight actually makes my flesh crawl.

It’s at this point i should probably mention i’m racist against elves and vampires.   I was the only person in the theater who cheered when dobby died, and the idea of emo whinny little vampire douche bags running around on fire in daylight brings a warm feeling to the cockles of my heart. Just saying…

3.  As for frequency of posts that depends on how well I can start to train myself to write.  Every author who’s advice I have read all say the same thing. Practice, practice, practice.   As such the more frequently I post, the more practicing I am engaging in, therefore the more frequently I post the better I get and the closer I get to actually writing something.  So the goal is once a day, but we shall see how that goes.

4. The reason why is simply, practice, practice, practice.  If I don’t practice then publishers will not want to throw money at me to do it.   I’m not necessarily expecting to Scrooge McDuck my money in a giant vault, but getting paid to publish anything would mean I made it.  The goal is simply to make it.

Course if I make it and people actually like it enough to pay me well… then goals will change, and I’ll start construction on my giant tower in Duckberg.

 

EDIT- Figure since this is public might as well lay down my rules for comments.  I will allow anything constructive.  This includes discussion (this is why your character is the man), Arguing (dude your character  was totally not the man because…), constructive feedback (dude, you your character is weak, check this out to make it better.), advice (when talking about settings you totally forgot a character within a settings within a setting… mind blown), etc, etc.

What I will not allow is asshatistry.  This includes being insulting for no reason (your a poo poo head), Unconstructive critizism (your a newb, i pwnd u), and douche baggery (I know this is a writing forum, but your mom was amazing in bed last night.)

Just keep it mostly civil and I’m cool with it.  Be an ass hat and I will delete your ass.  Nuff said.